... I found out the worst. You guys, it's true. Emily "blahblahblah" Maynard and Jef "Yep, one 'F'" Holm from this most recent season of the Bachelorette are over. As in, they will not be living the dream with Ricki-Tick for the rest of time like we all thought they would. No tying of the knot, no elaborate wedding with a 2-hour TV special, no sneak peeks into their lives when they have beautiful blonde-haired, blue-eyed children together! Color me shocked and disappointed.
The state of the world today is sketchy, to say the least, and now THIS. I don't know how I'm going to handle it. Just thinking of Emily fake crying while oh-so-conveniently showing off her perfect manicure is enough to bring me to my own fake tears. And poor Jef. He's probably so bummed it didn't work out that he can't even gel his hair into that perfect Greased Lightening coif. (Just kidding. That would never happen.) And let's not forget the star player of this ill-fated season of the Bachelorette - Ricki. That girl is probably so confused as to why her mother protected her like some sort of mama bear on steroids, only to bring a strange man into the house for a mere three months of lovin'. At least we know that Emily's not sending any mixed signals to her impressionable daughter...
And speaking of impressionable, I have to admit, I was the fool. I thought this love would last. It breaks my heart to see that yet another reality show couple has bit the dust. I only hope they can find some sort of consolation in the fact that they're each ridiculously beautiful, or the fact that they're both so obviously loaded (I mean seriously, what single mom lives in a house like that?), or in the fact that they'll continue to be D-list celebrities for the next seven years. Maybe Emily will wheedle her way back onto the Bachelor to win Sean's heart, this time for real, people.
I am so distraught. I keep thinking, "What could I have done to stop this from happening?" And I always come back to the same answer. If only they would have read Sparkle, Sparlke, they would have found the answers to life's questions and the solution to saving their relationship! So as my gift to the world, I will somehow find a way to make this blog visible to Sean Lowe as the new season of the Bachelor starts. I will give him my advice, encouragement, and a little Sparlke to keep him going during those taxing luxury vacation dates. And when the show ends in happily ever after, I'll know I did my part to fill the world with the true joy and love that only a strangers-to-engaged-couple-in-60-days can bring. You're welcome, everyone.