Closure. Overrated or not? Cast your vote...

Closure. It's a word most often used to define that "moment" when you're finally OK with a situation gone awry. Break-ups, moving, graduation... oh HEY! Those sound familiar! But don't worry, I'm not going to whine (you're welcome.)

The idea of a single moment that suddenly rights everything that had previously gone wrong is sort of strange. If you've spent so long feeling upset about something, is it realistic to think that *click!* you'll just feel better about it? I have to think that people who say things like, "I just woke up one morning and realized it wasn't worth worrying about..." are kind of lying. Because let's face it. Has that ever actually happened to you? Really, has it? If so, then I'm totally jealous. I'm sure it would be nice to magically be able to walk away from one emotional state at the drop of a hat. It would be so incredibly convenient.

However, I'm sure I'm not shocking anyone when I say that I don't think life is supposed to be convenient. I think we get punches thrown at us and obstacles placed in front of us and floors dropped out from beneath us for a reason. Because if everything was convenient, it wouldn't be called life. It would be called "Disney." And don't get me wrong, I love Disney movies and Disney World. For better or worse, real life is just that, it's real. And it's what we have to work with.

When I don't get closure on a situation, it tends to fill my entire mind. I literally can't think about anything else except the situation that's bothering me. There's no moment when my brain completely empties out. But the dust of that situation does seem to clear out over time. (And as my good friend Mr. Ben Folds says, "Time takes time, you know.") And I have a confession to make. Sometimes, that real life feeling, that one that makes you want to throw yourself off a building, that grit between your teeth - sometimes it feels right. We shouldn't just turn our backs on people, places or the past. We have to learn to deal with them. Because whatever we experience will always be a part of us, whether we like it or not.

So maybe instead of trying to find closure, we should try to fashion our pain and confusion into something that gives us a backbone. Don't we always think of the strongest people as the ones who have gone through a lot of crap in their lives? I'm not saying my life has been terrible or hard by any means. I've been really blessed. But I feel like I should try and take the hard parts and make them useful. (I think our grandparents would call that "building character.") So I'm voting "overrated" for this week's poll. I'm going to use everything I've got in my life's arsenal - pretty and ugly. Won't you join me? :)

Not to be a copycat...

...But I too will be using J-May lyrics to preface this blog post.

I am in repair.

I'm not sure how I feel about people pouring out the deepest and most secretive details of their personal lives, but I'd like to touch on something slightly closer to home. As many of you might already know, I had a rough summer due to a relationship that came to a close. The exact details aren't important, but it left me feeling like someone had pushed me off a cliff by surprise.

So as I fell I spent a lot of time feeling bad about/for myself. I'm not really proud of this part - I'd like to say I was one of those girls who got up, brushed herself off and moved on - but that was not the case. I felt broken and confused, and I thought there was "so much to do to set my heart right" (as good ol' John says). I had a lot of time to myself this summer. So I read. And prayed. And cried. And slept. And that about summed up my free time.

BUT! This is not a story to get sympathy, I promise. It's actually a precursor to an exclamation of great thanks. I just spent a weekend with some of the best people I know in the world. The time I spent with them was not only fun and hilarious, it was the best step forward I've taken in 5 months. Every single minute, I was surrounded by friends who have become my family. They inspire me, they make me die laughing, they defend me, they console me. They make me happy. Chances are, if I saw you this weekend, you're one of those people. So thank you. Thank you, thank you! You probably didn't know, but you're what keeps me going.

And then there's those friends that I unfortunately didn't see this weekend, but who are nonetheless vital to my existence. When I get to work this morning, expecting a normal Monday, I see that Deva has posted on the blog! A joyous surprise! And not only that, but she points out the very thing I am thankful for: that some things never change, like our friendship. Sure it has evolved over the years, but deep down, we are still those girls that want so badly for each others' lives to succeed that we're even willing to ignore Spanish class to describe our house layouts to each other (a tough sacrifice). She has been walking along with me this entire journey and without her, I would simply be lost.

Basically what I'm saying is this: It's surely good for me to find my own way in the world, and I am definitely working on that. But it is also surely good to have reunions and reminders too. I am certainly so thankful for these moments.

I'm in repair, I'm not together but I'm getting there.

Thanks for helping me get there.

stop this train

So here's something.

I just registered for my last semester of grad school classes.  After I get through next semester, I just have an internship and then next December, voila! I am an MSW.  Where is all this time going? Didn't I just start high school a few years ago?  I am feeling really impressed that I've been able to pack so much action into the last nine years.

I often wonder what will happen and what I will be thinking this time next year, or this time two years from now.  The truth is, I can't even imagine it. I can't imagine what having a full time job will be like, or what that job will be, or where it will be...it's just that so much has changed in what seems like just a short amount of time.

When Abby and I were Sophomore's in HS, we used to pass notes back and forth to each other during the passing periods.  We didn't have any classes together, or maybe just one, but we refused to let this stop our communication throughout the day.

The notes were filled with the plans we had for our lives.  Where would we live? Who would we marry? It seems a little 1950s, but honestly, I never really thought about what I would do for a living until oh, probably my Junior year of college. It never occurred to me that I would have to provide for myself, or that I should plan on doing anything other than Dance for the rest of my years.

Now look at me. Look at us.  I wish I could still pass you notes, Abba.  I guess in a lot of ways we still pass "notes".  But I just can't get over how quickly everything happened, and how far off our 16-year-old predictions for ourselves were.

Some things never change, though.

And it's nice to know some of the people you loved when you were 16, you still love today and always.
<3
D

Tap Your Heels Together and Head... Where?

Something very odd happened to me the other day. My boss was telling me about how an education professor said something to the extent of "Why would you ever get an art major? What would you do with that?" in a meeting. (No, this post is not about the merits of art. Maybe another day.) My boss was kind of upset that this education professor was not supporting the other departments and in response, I said, "That's really weird, I mean, we're well-known for our art department!"

Pause. Immediately realize what I've said. Re-think. "We're known for our art department."

In one short sentence, I subconsciously became a part of Concordia University as I never had before. It's only been 112 days since I started my job here in Seward, and I've already placed myself into the "we" context.

When I went to Denmark in 7th grade for 6 months, I was very conscious of not saying anything that made me a permanent part of the people and places. Mostly because I was a spiteful teenager and I resented being away from my friends for half of a year. But I was also terrified that I might become attached to something there, so I never called it "home." It was always "I'm going back to the apartment." If I ever slipped up, I corrected myself to make the point. And up until now, I think I've been doing the same thing here.

I won't lie to you, faithful readers, I was not so much a happy camper this summer. Life had thrown a hundred major changes at me, and I didn't want to accept that things were changing. I didn't want to become part of a "we" in Seward. This town was merely a placeholder while I figured out the next step of my journey. And yet, now I'm saying "we" and not even realizing it. Can a place become our home without our noticing? When we try to fight it?

As a post-grad, home is a strange concept to grapple with anyways. Sure, I say I'm from Champaign, but I haven't lived there for any more than a few months in 4 years. That's basically 20% of my life. Which is kind of significant. So is that still my home? My house is there. My parent's house is there, actually. Where is my home?

Maybe home is where we find ourselves saying "we" and not realizing it. The "we" sneaks up on us and makes a cozy nest in our chests. And before we know it, "we" have found a place to be, and a place to belong, and a place to call home, even if only for a while.

He's Just Not That Into You And Other Life Truths I Learned From Hollywood

Today I watched He's Just Not That Into You for the 3rd or 4th time. Ladies, if you haven't seen it, I highly recommend it. Guys, you probably won't like it, so I wouldn't bother. Yes, it's a cheesy romantic comedy, but I still think it's cute, and there are actually some very good points in there. And this isn't the only movie that has made me think, "Wow. That's SO true." Ohhhh no, my friends. The cinema is a powerful educational tool. For instance...

He's Just Not That Into You. There's a reason the original book is so popular. Because it basically READ'S MEN'S MINDS. Well, not quite, but it still points out the obvious "warning signs" that girls tend to ignore when they like a guy who doesn't like them back. Like if he doesn't call you... he probably is Just Not That Into You. (I know, the title kinda gives it all away up front.) After watching this movie, I refuse to believe that there are guys that are so shy that they can't get up the courage to ask a girl out. If they really liked her, they'd get their act together, right? RIGHT!

Pride and Prejudice. This movie proves that romance doesn't have to be over-the-top, corny or super sexy. In fact, I would put Elizabeth and Mr. Darcy at the top of my all-time favorite fictional couples list. They don't even kiss until the last scene!! And yet it's so incredibly wonderful all the way through. I suppose this movie is also proof that I'm not a complete cynic. I still cry when Mr. Darcy comes walking across the moors to proclaim his love. Why does nothing like this happen to me in real life? Here's why. It's not 1784 anymore and I don't live in an English manor. Shoot.

Little Miss Sunshine. There's just something touching about the ending of this movie. (Spoiler alert!) You know, when Olive gets up on the beauty pageant stage and starts dancing inappropriately. It's not the awkward dancing that gets to me, it's the fact that this little girl has no inhibitions, that she's doing what she loves, and that she wants to share it with the world. Then her family joins her (to save her from being booed offstage) and it's just all the more emotional. I'm glad to say I've got friends and family who will join in with me when I make myself look ridiculous (on those rare, rare occasions where I do not come off as totally smooth...) What more could I ask for in life? Maybe a million dollars and a baby penguin, but I'll settle for the reliable support system.

James Bond. This is mostly just to prove that I don't only watch girl movies. Also, the lesson I learned from the many 007 flicks I have seen is this: James Bond only likes hot women, and can't stay in a committed relationship. Ohhh, how many times I have seen this manifest itself in reality...

In conclusion. I will continue to watch movies. I will continue to make vast generalizations about how these movies always relate to real life. I will continue to be disappointed when I wake up at sunrise for my morning outdoor contemplation and do not find a 18th century gent striding toward me in the mist. And I will continue to write blog entries about things that probably no one finds amusing except myself and a select few people who tolerate my crazy. (please reference Little Miss Sunshine lesson)

TGIF

Remember when TGIF was not only a saying, but a full prime time TV schedule? Boy Meets World...Sabrina the Teenage Witch...life was good.

And speaking of great TV shows, can I just take a quick break here and mention a few other jewels from our youth? Legends of the Hidden Temple (terrifying when they went through that obstacle course at the end.) Clarissa Explains It All! What girl wouldn't want a cute neighbor boy climbing through her window any time of day? Actually, kind of creepy. Global Guts?? All That??? Ok, I'm getting carried away. But Spongebob has nothing on true entertainment.

Aaaanyhow. My point was not to reminisce about 90s television. Instead, I wanted to list off a few reasons why I am excited for this weekend DESPITE having no actual plans.

1. It's the weekend, duh.

2. I do not have to dress up in any kind of costume for Halloween, merely pass out the candy to the cute youngsters that come trick-or-treating. (Although I will be fondly remembering last year's Halloween-o-rama with joy in my heart.)

3. Tomorrow marks the first day I will be able to sleep in after about a month of volleyball tournaments and other Saturday morning activities. Bliss!

4. I will be screenprinting my little heart out, but that's OK. It's pretty therapeutic.

5. College football features Nebraska vs. Mizzou tomorrow afternoon. Go Big Red! Need I say more?

So while you're all off partying it up and being your wild child selves, I'll be at home in comfy clothes eating massive amounts of leftover candy. Woo hoo!

Happy Halloween! :)

uhh...

I feel like this is mostly Abby's blog, but I just wanted to say that had I more interesting things to say, or things that could be said in family friendly language.... I'd be a really good blogger.

Perhaps my time is coming.